My First 33 Gifts....

Today is the day....that I am starting my list thankfulness.  I won't be posting the list everyday because....well, you know some things are personal.  But for today I will post my first 33 gifts.  I encourage you to do the same.  It is the season of thankfulness and giving.  So do it.

My Gifts.
1. Jude
2. Elise
3. Avery
(Well of course my children are gifts)
4. Mom
5. Dad
(they really are good parents)
6. My Home
7. My cousin Jeremy (who rents his home to me)
8. Aunt Jill (who cooks dinner for my family A LOT)
9. My cousin Sarah (who calls me at 6 AM)
10. Kevin & Sydney
11.  My Family - I really have a very AWESOME family.  It is big and lots of variety. 
12.  My Job.  Yes I work at DCS and yes I work like all the time.  And yes I do mountains of paperwork....and now spreadsheets & deadlines.  Not to mention that you know....if I slack off at work it could me the safety of a child (no pressure).  I really do love my job.  I think of it as a blessing that I get to be involved in such an intimate part of other peoples lives.  I don't like the paperwork though...don't count that as a gift. 
13.  The smell of fresh photocopies.  I. Love. That. Smell.
14.  Willow - My dog.  She is a good dog.  Yes she smells and she sheds but she is very obedient. 
15.  My other pets (cats, bunny and fish). 
16.  Social Media.  Really I love that I get to interact with people from all over the world.  I still prefer face to face...lets get together stuff but I really appreciate that I can see what is going on with other people who I don't see often.
17.  My Sister, Heather.  She is pretty awesome.
18.  My sister's family - Ivan, Indy and Reichen.  They are pretty awesome too.
19.  Ivan's family.  I have lots of warm, fuzzy and wonderful memories involving Ivan's family.  That's pretty cool if you ask me.
20.  Coffee - I love coffee but my doc diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder.  Yikes.  She suggested I lay off the caffeine.  I am down to one cut a day and man I am way less anxious.  Funny how that works. 
21.  My Smartphone. 
22.  JenF - although we don't talk quite as often as we used too.... I can tell her ANYTHING and she will give me her honest feedback. 
23.  Tee - my nail guy.
24.  Water - I had a plumbing issue a while back.  I didn't have water for like a week.  It was bad.  I really appreciate running water.
25.  Chips & Salsa.  One of my favorite foods ever.
26.  Faith Promise Church.  I go there.  It has been good for me.
27.  TV - I certainly could live without it BUT it is nice to have on while I am folding mountains of laundry.
28.  The horses down the road.  My family loves the horses.
29.  Scott County - Yes I think it is a gift.  I do complain about it and I admit it is completely dysfunctional and different than any other place on earth....and I don't plan to stay here much longer....BUT it is so beautiful here. And I think I've learned a lot in the last three years of living here.
30.  The painting Elise painted for me that is hanging in my bedroom.
31.  Jared - even if it is complicated.
32.  My Co-workers - I work with some of the best people in the world.  And really that is true of most jobs I've had in my life.  I think I've been very fortunate. 
33.  Miranda - Oh Miranda.  She drives me crazy and sometimes yells at me and hates sunshine and is grumpy most of the time.  BUT....underneath all that she is sweet and thoughtful.  And always lots of entertainment.

So, there is my list.  Elise was watching me type this.  She suggested I add clothes to the list.  Her reason was so I don't have to be a streaker.  Nice.  My silly girl.  I hope you all have a day filled with many, many gifts!

Two and a Half Years Later....

Today while I was sitting at a red light I was checking my Facebook.  I guess I got bored in that two minutes it took for the light to change.  Ironically I found this blog post about slowing down, not multitasking, stopping to smell the roses.....  It seems like it is always my goal to live a little slower.  I am always reminding myself.  I've been doing a lot of "soul searching" lately.  I am contemplative...always going over things, analyzing, daydreaming....  I am trying to slow down.  With a full time crazy job that is an hour away from my house and three growing kids I have to be very deliberate about it.  I have to force myself.  Notice I said, trying to slow down. 

So, Christmas is coming up pretty quick.  I love Christmas.  I love Christmas carols and Christmas trees and decorations and Christmas cookies and Presents.  I love Presents.  I love planning and finding that perfect gift for that someone special.  I love wrapping.....packaging.....sealing with a kiss.  I love dipping candy canes in chocolate and putting them in pretty packages with shiny red bows.  I love putting the girls in their red velvet dresses and Jude in his....shirt with a collar (lol) and taking silly pictures.  I love Christmas cards....but only if they contain a little note.  I am not that fond of a cheap card with a family signature.  Just my thoughts.  Anyways....back to what I was saying.  Since I moved to TN, Jake and I split the holidays.  This year I get the kids for Thanksgiving and he has them on Christmas.  The kids get WAY too much on Christmas.  I want to give them presents because like I said above....I love the whole gift giving thing.  But.....I do not want to just give them STUFF.  So I am thinking and planning and organizing.  I wish they knew how privileged they really are....  I try to teach them to appreciate what they have and to be humble but I think I might be failing miserably.   I should probably lead by example.  I am really just over all the stuff.  I am focusing on my blessings.  Learning to be thankful and appreciate.  The blog (http://www.aholyexperience.com/)I was reading talked about this (http://onethousandgifts.com/).  I haven't bought the book but she was saying that she has been writing down things she feels are "gifts" to her every day.  Not just 2 or 3.  She has been writing 33 each day.  33 different ones each day.  I like the idea a lot.  I think I will try it myself.  I have so many gifts....

I am going to start blogging again.  I think I will show y'all a little of my Tennessee later this week.  See you then!!!

We Didn't Meet On Line....

If you have been following my crazy life you know I was doing the online thing but had decided to give it up.  I'll tell you I met some very nice guys...but I met some very "interesting" people as well.  Oh I have stories. Once I met three different guys in one day.  hahahaha.  Just for coffee or dinner.  It was fun.  I kept my sister and her friends entertained for the day since I used her as my check in person.  One guy rode his bicycle to a date....and he tipped $3 on a $47 check.  He also admitted he had been to prison before.  Yikes.  I did meet a few really nice guys.  It just wasn't there.  At one point I told my friend that if Online Dating has been popular before I would have never gotten married.  LOL.  Wrong.  I went out with one guy.  I was not interested in him but he kept bugging me.  I tried to like him.  One day I was telling him I went to this new church.  He said, "Good, maybe you can get right!"  Really?  Anyways....if you read my last blog post I said I was giving up with the whole online thing.  It was safe for me because I never had to get serious or even think about my feelings...because I didn't have to.  I had decided I really  needed to just work on myself.  Instead of praying for God to send me someone....I just started praying he'd fix me.

Less than a week after that blog post this happened....

I was at court.  Everyone knows I enjoy court.  It isn't the same here as it was in Summit County but I do love a good court day here too... So I was at court.  It was a busy day.  I had a big case that day and I was not able to sit still.  Ha.  So I was outside the courtroom but just peeking in to see if Judge Cotton was ready for CPS cases.  And that is when I ran into Chris.  I really almost literally ran into him.  Ha.  Well I've known Chris for a very long time.  Since we were kids.  And of course...I have a funny story.  Chris lived near my Grandmother.  When Chris was a kid he had a crush on me.  He tells me he used to hang out with my cousins to find out when I was coming to TN.  Well one time I was walking down my Grandma Wright's road and Chris was following me.  I swear he whistled at me.  He claims he can't whistle.  Ha.  I know he was trying to get my attention.  So I did what any 11ish year old girl should do....I picked up a rock and threw it at him.  I have pretty good aim.  I hit his elbow.  He has a dent in his elbow and he says it is from that rock.  I think he is just teasing me.  But I know it did hurt because he cried....(sorry to out you Chris).  I had seen him a bunch of times since I moved here but there was NO WAY I was going to talk to him. haha.  That is until I almost ran into him at court.  I had to talk to him and I did.  We had a two minute conversation.  Later he sent me a FB friend request.  I accepted it but sent him this long message about how I am not ready to date and how we can only be friends.  Well that didn't work out the way I planned. And I will admit I am glad.  Chris is a great guy and I can't wait for everyone to meet him.  He is the sweetest guy.  And we have a lot in common....it is kinda weird.  He has a degree in Psych. and worked in Youth Services.  Right now he is a corrections officer at the prison.  He has custody of his children.  He's a Christian.  And he lives in the same town as me.  There are only about 2400 people that live in Robbins.  He only lives like 5 miles from me.  I love it.  I am very happy.  That is all I have to say about that right now.

Eat, Pray, Love....

It is the title of a book.  And a movie.  Basically it is a story about a woman who goes through a bad divorce and her journey to recovery.  She spends a year traveling and writing.....that would be nice.  hahaha.  Well, I have children and responsibilities and a budget.  In my version I came to Tennessee....and here is what I got.

Eat.
Well I have the eating down.  When I first got to TN I started eating with wild abandonment.  I can't tell you have awesome it has been to just eat and eat and not worry about whatever.  Now my pants are too tight.  So I joined weight watchers.  So wish me luck.  Twice this week I have spent half of my daily points eating cookies.  Totally unhealthy.....lol. Guess I need to work out all weekend again.  Seriously I am giving up my fantasies of being skinny.  I just want to be healthy.  I would like to lose the weight back and maybe a few pounds.

Pray.
If you read the post I started back in January and posted tonight you will already know where I am with this....  I have found a church here I really like, for the most part.  I miss New Day. 

Love.
Ugh.  I suck at dating.  I have horrible taste in men.  And....I give too many allowances.  When a man shows me who he is....I need to believe him. I am giving up on the whole on line dating thing.  It is horrible.  At first I thought it was fun.  And if you just want to date around I think it is great.  I don't have time for dating around.  And in the end it just made me sad.  BTW...on Valentine's Day I received 6 Happy Valentine's Day text messages from 6 different guys.  Not one flower, card or even date.  A text is hardly an effort.  I want someone to share life with.  I actually really loved being married.  BUT.....I don't mind being alone.  I will not settle.  I will not accept the half hearted any longer. So....that is where I am at with LOVE.  

A Spiritual Crisis...(originally written in January - oh and it is unfinished...sorry)

My weekend did not turn out as planned.  At all.  Things I was so excited about.....never happened.  Things I didn't expect did.  But that isn't what this post is about.  Saturday night I was driving home from my Aunt Debbie's house and listening to XM radio.  I was scanning channels and stopped on The Message, a Christian station.  That is where I heard the Jamie Grace song I posted on Facebook.  I've heard it before but when I heard it again it just reminded me how much I really like it.  The next song that came on was this one...

You don't really have to listen to it but  in case you wanted to I thought I'd post it.  It isn't as catchy as the Facebook post song....but it is a sweet song.  I'm gonna come back to this in a minute.

Since I've been to Tennessee I have been to church 4 times. I went once when I went back to Ohio.  I visited a large Baptist church in a neighboring community.  You have to wear dresses there.  I don't think they appreciated my exposed tattoo and cleavage showing.  Would've probably been better off wearing pants.  Maybe they didn't care what I was wearing - I don't know.  But no one talked to me.  No. One.  They did ask my kids a bunch of questions though.  I tell myself I am not bitter.  Then I went to another church a couple of times.  I liked it.  People were friendly.  Very friendly.  They don't have music on Sunday morning.  I know that is a lame excuse not to go back....and I might go back there someday.  I just haven't.  I'm gonna come back to this in a minute too....

I've been in Tennessee for four months now.  My Aunt asked me if I'd do it all over again - you know....move here, knowing what I know now.  I said yes.  Oh trust me.  There are times I have thought, what have I done.  There are times I thought about just packing up and moving back to Ohio.  Just not that seriously.  My job has taken some adjusting....  It is pretty lonely here but I will admit I have isolated myself in many ways.  These four months for me have been very healing for me.  I didn't say EASY.  But they have been healing.  There were a lot of things I did not deal with.  Emotions: anger, hurt, shame, defeat, relief.  I don't want to be bitter.  I don't want to be afraid to trust someone again.  Once while going through "pre-divorce" counseling (that of course isn't what it is called but that is what it ended up being) the pastor predicted I would go through a spiritual crisis.  I have.  I don't deny it.  I don't think I could hide it if I wanted to.  When I heard that song (Blessings) it sounded like me....

  We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Oh My, Have Things Changed....

I was talking to my cousin on the phone yesterday.  He laughed and said, "Remember10 years ago when you used to call me up and tell me your crazy dating stories?  It is like we are back there again!"  It is true.  I distinctly remember telling him about this guy who asked me for my phone number (not cell phone but the kind of phone you plug in the wall) and I told him if he wanted it that bad he would figure it out.  hahaha.  I used to be so so cocky. Oh he did figure it out BTW. See there was a reason for my "confidence".  The truth is....dating has CHANGED so much in the last decade.  Not to mention...I've changed a little too.

One obvious change for me is.....I have children.  Dating for a Mom is challenging.  It is so complicated.  I don't want to involve my children in my dating escapades BUT there is a fine line.  What if I go out with a guy for a while....like a couple of months and I decided he should meet my kids.  And then he meets them and he doesn't like them.  I mean, come on...we can all admit the idea of children is much different than actual children.  Or what if he thinks I am a terrible mother or hates my parenting style or sees me as a "mommy" rather than a sexy goddess (hahahahahaha) and doesn't like it?  I just hate investing time into something that is going nowhere.  And there is the time thing...my children are with me most of the time.  Yes my parents are great and do babysit for me but I don't want to burden them.  I met this one guy and we talked for a while but he REFUSED to meet my kids.  While I do sympathized with his reasoning (he had a mother that dated A LOT and he said he had many, many "Uncles" in his life), I thought it was silly that he couldn't even meet them.  And it really complicated things. Rule #1, I make the rules about my kids.  I have lots of friends both male and female...my children have met them.  They come and go.  I do not ask my children to call them aunt or uncle.  My first goal in life is to protect them and I am pretty sure I know what is best for them.

Other things have changed too.  Cell phones, texting, picture phones, facebook and the internet in general....well that has just completely changed the game.  Dating websites are completely fascinating.  You can browse hundreds of profiles and based on a few pics and a little blurb about them...you can decided who your future mate might be.  It is like window shopping.  I wish I could figure out how to post some of these profiles on here to share.  Oh Lordy.....that is about all I can say.  People are not too shy to just say what they are looking for.  I can appreciate that.  In the end it can save some hurt feelings.  But sometimes I do like the game of figuring it all out.  I am on a free dating website.  It is so complicated (yes, more complications).  I've never been a good rule follower.  I think it is some sort of unwritten rule that you shouldn't talk to anyone on the dating site about other experiences you've had on there.  I think that is silly. We don't have to pretend here.  And really, lets say you go out with someone a few times or you even talk to someone....does that mean you have to stop looking at the dating website?  I mean what if I do and he doesn't?  Do you have to have a discussion about it?  I don't think it is a good idea to ASSume.  If I talk to more than one guy at a time - is that okay?  Or would they all get mad if they knew about each other.  I mean....if you commit to a date that doesn't mean you are committed to dating exclusive but.....  It is all just so complicated.  Is it bad to go out with more than one guy on the same weekend?  On the same day?  I really don't have a problem with it and actually think it is the most efficient way to handle all this.  lol

So let's talk about cell phones.  Geesh.  I can actually text many people at the same time. I don't even have to hang up from one before I answer a question for another.  It is crazy.  Who has time for all this?  It is like having an extra part time job.  And did you know sexting is not just for horny teenagers?  Apparently it is for horny middle aged people too....just not as pretty.  Several men have told me about women who they have only casually talked to sending them "dirty" pics.  Isn't that just crazy?  One guy sent me a picture of himself...in the nude...only covering his package with his hand.  I told him I wasn't interested.  He called me a prude.  hahahahahha

And what about Facebook? When do you let a guy in on that?  I mean you let a guy be your friend....you get to see his page, you can share pics and you really can learn a lot about someone.  But what if you are talking to more than one guy?  What if you like one more than the others?  What if one guy does something completely hysterical or says something rude or takes you to a nice dinner?????  You can't really talk about it if you are friends with them all on Facebook.  It is so complicated.  I mean if  a guy I am talking to sends me a friend request and I don't accept it.....he's gonna be offended or think something is up.  Also if you are a guy and we are in some sort of dating status...you can expect to get a friend request from my friend Jennifer.  She is my virtual wing (wo)man.  I need her opinion.  I used to say I have bad taste in men.  She says I have interesting taste in men.  She plays devils advocate.  Sometimes she points out the good I am overlooking....and sometimes she states the obvious that I am ignoring. I so appreciate her.

It is all a little stressful.  Part of me could care less if I ever date.  Really.  I am a free bird.  But I do miss having a partner.  I miss affection.  I think I need a hug. HA.  Did I just say that?  I am kidding kinda. 

One last question....do people ask other people out in person anymore?  I did have not one but two different men ask me if I was married yesterday.  I thought that was funny but I suddenly felt very shy.  Even though I am pretty sure neither of them men were hitting on me.  I don't know.  In some ways I am much more confident than back in the old days....but it is still OH SO COMPLICATED.

Have a good one today.  Peace....

Jennifer is Always Sayin.....

"That should be the first line in your book."  I love her.  She is always so supportive of my "I'm gonna write a book someday talk!"  There is always something crazy going on.  I know it has been oh so long since I've blogged.  And some of you have kept up on FB but with all the nutso changes I think I lost a few followers.  hahaha.  So for now I am just going to give you the highlights of the last few months of my life.  You better hold on tight because it is a wild ride.

• I got a job in Tennessee.  I work for the Tennessee department of Children's Services.  The job sorta just fell in my lap.  Really.  I got an awesome job in a county that has a 19% unemployment rate.  So I moved to TN at the beginning of September.  I am adjusting.  The kids are doing great.  They like it here.  They are on fall break this week and back in Ohio having a good time with their Dad.  I think I fit in well here.  I never really did in Ohio.  No really....my taste in men, cars, music....ha....I can attribute to my southern blood.  I haven't really made any friends yet....other than some coworkers.  So....it is a little lonely.  Or maybe I am bored.  Have I ever been bored?  I think this is a first.  Either way I need this....down time or what ever it is.  

• I had a bunch of my stuff stolen from my old house during my move. That sucked. I was totally stressed out about it but the insurance company told me I could file a claim.  I haven't yet....just knowing I can made me feel better.

• Before I left Ohio this chic threw her guys clothing on my front lawn in the middle of the night.  Has anything like that ever happened to you?  What?  You've never had some dude's boxers hanging from your bird feeders?  Well I have.  I found a shirt in my flower bed....that I had missed, the day the guys were loading up the moving truck.  So....if you see my old neighbor.....tell him I have his shirt.  Yeah....no doubt I didn't move a moment too soon.

• Okay....remember when I went on Match.com?  Well I might not have mentioned it.  In July I went on Match.com.  I talked to one guy.  I thought he was cute and looked like fun. The idea was.....I was going to start dating so when RH called me...being all nice.....I would not even want to talk to him.  So, I started talking to this other guy.  Well, it ended up that not only did he know RH....he knew him well.  They had several ex-girlfriends in common.  So that was that.  Can you believe that crap?  Two states away and he knew him!  And what are the chances that they dated the same women?  I did end up meeting the guy but then I went to TN and interviewed for the job and he was mad that I was going to TN and started a bunch of junk about me seeing RH....which I didn't. He wasn't my type at all anyways.  Oh, and then he died.  Yes.  He had a heart problem and he died. (RIP D.M.)

• Went on a different dating site....  And they matched me with RH.  He lives outside of my range and they still paired us?  Dear God....please do not let this be some sort of sign.  Don't I deserve I nice, kind, normal guy?  He makes me cry.  And we all know how I feel about that.  I did however talk to a seemingly nice guy last night but to be honest I don't trust my own judgement of men.  I should probably never date again.  ha.
  

• I got my hair cut short again.  I think I am rebelling. 

•   Today I was at the DCS (dept of children services) building in another county.  I was sitting in my truck talking to Jennifer on the phone.  This guy walked by with his daughter a couple times.  I am pretty sure he was there for services of some sort.  Not that I am judging...he wasn't an unattractive man....  Well I hung up with Jen and started walking in the building (did I mention I was wearing my sexy Harley boots?)  The guy was in his car at this point and he stops and starts talking to me.  Yes, a client tried to hit on me in the parking lot.  I started laughing and told him I needed to go.  Some things never change.