Jennifer is Always Sayin.....

"That should be the first line in your book."  I love her.  She is always so supportive of my "I'm gonna write a book someday talk!"  There is always something crazy going on.  I know it has been oh so long since I've blogged.  And some of you have kept up on FB but with all the nutso changes I think I lost a few followers.  hahaha.  So for now I am just going to give you the highlights of the last few months of my life.  You better hold on tight because it is a wild ride.

• I got a job in Tennessee.  I work for the Tennessee department of Children's Services.  The job sorta just fell in my lap.  Really.  I got an awesome job in a county that has a 19% unemployment rate.  So I moved to TN at the beginning of September.  I am adjusting.  The kids are doing great.  They like it here.  They are on fall break this week and back in Ohio having a good time with their Dad.  I think I fit in well here.  I never really did in Ohio.  No really....my taste in men, cars, music....ha....I can attribute to my southern blood.  I haven't really made any friends yet....other than some coworkers.  So....it is a little lonely.  Or maybe I am bored.  Have I ever been bored?  I think this is a first.  Either way I need this....down time or what ever it is.  

• I had a bunch of my stuff stolen from my old house during my move. That sucked. I was totally stressed out about it but the insurance company told me I could file a claim.  I haven't yet....just knowing I can made me feel better.

• Before I left Ohio this chic threw her guys clothing on my front lawn in the middle of the night.  Has anything like that ever happened to you?  What?  You've never had some dude's boxers hanging from your bird feeders?  Well I have.  I found a shirt in my flower bed....that I had missed, the day the guys were loading up the moving truck.  So....if you see my old neighbor.....tell him I have his shirt.  Yeah....no doubt I didn't move a moment too soon.

• Okay....remember when I went on Match.com?  Well I might not have mentioned it.  In July I went on Match.com.  I talked to one guy.  I thought he was cute and looked like fun. The idea was.....I was going to start dating so when RH called me...being all nice.....I would not even want to talk to him.  So, I started talking to this other guy.  Well, it ended up that not only did he know RH....he knew him well.  They had several ex-girlfriends in common.  So that was that.  Can you believe that crap?  Two states away and he knew him!  And what are the chances that they dated the same women?  I did end up meeting the guy but then I went to TN and interviewed for the job and he was mad that I was going to TN and started a bunch of junk about me seeing RH....which I didn't. He wasn't my type at all anyways.  Oh, and then he died.  Yes.  He had a heart problem and he died. (RIP D.M.)

• Went on a different dating site....  And they matched me with RH.  He lives outside of my range and they still paired us?  Dear God....please do not let this be some sort of sign.  Don't I deserve I nice, kind, normal guy?  He makes me cry.  And we all know how I feel about that.  I did however talk to a seemingly nice guy last night but to be honest I don't trust my own judgement of men.  I should probably never date again.  ha.
  

• I got my hair cut short again.  I think I am rebelling. 

•   Today I was at the DCS (dept of children services) building in another county.  I was sitting in my truck talking to Jennifer on the phone.  This guy walked by with his daughter a couple times.  I am pretty sure he was there for services of some sort.  Not that I am judging...he wasn't an unattractive man....  Well I hung up with Jen and started walking in the building (did I mention I was wearing my sexy Harley boots?)  The guy was in his car at this point and he stops and starts talking to me.  Yes, a client tried to hit on me in the parking lot.  I started laughing and told him I needed to go.  Some things never change. 

Dear God, It's Me Delilah....

The title is a little throwback to my favorite childhood author, Judy Blume.  I devoured every single thing she ever wrote. 

I've been having a lot of conversation with God lately.  They usually go something like this....Uh hey God.  Me again.  Yep I'm still acting stupid.  Can I get a little forgiveness? (Awkward Silence)  Heeellloooooo....is anyone there?  Okay well I'll try to catch you later.  Honestly....I was warned this was going to happen. 

So, a couple of weeks ago I posted something on FB.  A survey of sorts.  I got tons of comments.  Many people told me I should pray about it.  What?  Pray and not rely on FB feedback?  What a novel idea.  So I did.  And I can not even believe how everything is playing out.  I remember a long time ago a good friend of mine told me she needs to see a burning bush.  I didn't feel that way then.  But I am here to tell you.  Got that burning bush (well almost.....well on my way....lol).  Crazy how that works.

Around the same time (during Camp Delilah) I met my new (well they've been there 3 months) neighbors.  They live in the house behind me....which happens to be about 12 feet from the back of my house (just wanted to establish how close in proximity we are).  It is a young, sweet, newly married couple with a puppy.....dealing with the struggles of adjusting to what being married is really like.  As I was talking with the girl she was asking about the neighborhood and some of our neighbors.  I am embarrassed to say I've lived here 3 years and can't tell you some of their names.  Doesn't that surprise you?  I can make friends and meet people everywhere I go but not so close to home.  Strange.  I am sure it reveals something deep and secretive about me.  She told me that the people who lived in the house before moved to a condo because their son had died last winter.  Her son was around 10-12 years old.  OMG.  How can I live 12 feet from someone and not know they lost a child.  I don't think I ever even talked to the woman.  Jake did a few times but I am not sure I could even recognize her if I saw her out and about.  Anyways, this was really weighing on my heart.  I prayed to God to help me love my neighbors.  Wow.  It is like he was just waiting to hear that one.....  It is AMAZING what has happened since that day.  I have very randomly.....and I mean very randomly met more of my neighbors over the last month than I have over the past 3 years.  And I am not just talking to chat it up.  Here's an example:  Yesterday a girl who has lived only a few houses down stopped over because her son goes to school with my kids.  They saw each other outside and started playing.  She and I talked for a long time.  Sadly, I already knew a few things about her because of neighborhood gossip.  I didn't tell her what I knew....mostly because I was embarrassed to admit it.  But I found out she is a sweet, sweet girl who has a lot going on.  I think she has a lot of people giving her advice and telling her what to do.  So, I just listened.  I've had so many more opportunities to get to know my neighbors.  I've watched kids, chatted in the street, kept someones dog that got out.....all sorts of fun things. 

I don't know why but I feel so stunned by my answered prayers.  I guess because I felt so unheard(?) for so long.  Guess I was wrong.  Go figure.  I will say, after a very VERY long time of feeling lost in my own little corner.....I love life.  I feel blessed and maybe even on my way to being healthy again.  Thank God.  No literally....I thank God.  lol

P.S.  As for my first "answered prayer".  I'll have to tell you all about it later.  I'm just not ready yet.

Dear Future Suitors....

It is funny.  Yesterday I announced on Facebook that I was going to write this post.  I got an interesting reaction....including a few private messages.  I've been thinking about this for a long time.  Here is the deal.  I never in a million years ever thought I would have to deal with the topic of dating again.  I enjoyed marriage particularly because I knew I'd never have to suffer through the "dance" again.  But now I am a divorcee.  And it is oh so different this time.  So, I think I should just lay all my cards on the table.  So...here goes my letter.


Dear Future Suitors,

If you do not know me that well I will begin by telling you I am a straight forward kinda girl. I can be a little insensitive so if you don't have thick skin...I apologize in advance.  If I say something that upsets you we can talk about it.  Yelling at me, pouting, throwing a fit....not gonna work.  I am also an independent, strong, confident woman.  That does not mean I am a bitch. Or controlling. Or psycho. Or have a big head.   With that being said....I do have feelings.  I do cry.  I don't like to cry and I will hide it from you and everyone else because that is just me...but I do cry.  When I cry it does not mean I am weak.  It is usually a sign that I am disappointed in myself.  I have lots of faults and trust me I am my own worst critic.  Just because I am confident does not mean I don't want to hear nice things or have your attention. Once a guy told me he didn't want to be too nice to me because it would go to my head and I'd have too much control.  Are you kidding me?  That is stupid.  Also, I am different.  Yes we are all different in our own special way....but I am really different.  I can't really explain it.  I walk to the beat of my own drummer.  I am friendly and generally pretty happy.  I can make friends where ever I go.  I am not afraid to be different but I would not say I am exotic or anything like that. Bold would be more like it. I am goofy.  I have found I have a novelty about me that attracts other people.  Here is my warning....the novelty will wear off.  I promise this.  It will and you will have to decide if you can tolerate me.  The most attractive qualities can quickly become the most repulsive.

Enough about me.  Lets talk about you. 

First and foremost....I have children.  They are the most important thing to me.  If you refer to them as baggage....you're out.  Do I have baggage?  Yes.  My kids are not part of that baggage.  And don't plan on meeting them anytime soon.

I don't really have the time or energy to try to figure out what you are looking for.....just be upfront.  If you just want to be my friend...that is cool but you know the reality of men and women just being friends....come on. This is where being straight forward is best.  Also if you are married or have a girlfriend....well, it is not happenin'. 

If you have a nickname like Skid, Fubar, Romeo, God's Gift or Snuggle Bunny....don't bother.  These are all screen names of men I saw on a dating website.  And no I don't plan to date from a dating website.  I honestly don't even care if I ever date again so....why would I pay an online dating site?  I am not desperate and I don't need you. Wanting you is totally different.  Yes I know being a middle aged woman with three kids is not that marketable.... That doesn't mean you can be a jerk and I will take it.  I am okay with being alone. 

Do not tell me how to cut my hair, color my hair, what to wear or how to talk.  I don't mind if you tell me that you like this or that.  I am not opposed to hearing your opinion but for the love of GOD - don't nag me about it.  I will tell you I like goatees but I won't say I won't be with you if you don't grow one.  Does this make any sense?

I work.  I love my job.  I help people.  I sometimes help people who you may not think deserve it.  Sometimes I don't think they deserve it.  Regardless, I do my job.  You may think little of the people I help but I respect most of them and feel privileged to be part of their lives....involved in very personal situations.  I believe we have all crossed paths for a reason.  I don't make a lot of money and I do work odd hours.  This does not mean my job is MORE important.  It just means it IS important.  If you are going to knock my job....find someone else.  If you are a racist.....find someone else.  If you are constantly going to talk about "people living off the system"....find someone else. I am not saying you are a bad person for having an opinion.  I am just being upfront.  I feel passionate about my job and it is part of me.  If you hate on my job you are hatin' on me.  As for your own job.  You need one.  You don't have to be rich.  You don't have to be a "professional".  I prefer you do a job you enjoy.  If you don't I hope you are looking for a way to "better yourself".  You only live once.  Also, I don't expect you to pay for everything.  We can go dutch.  If that is the case you can tell me in advance.  I like to be prepared.  Do not expect me to pay for you. 

I am not a fan of watching TV.  I don't even really like to sit down very often.  Do not expect me to relax by making me sit with you on the couch to watch some dumb show I could care less about....especially if it is football.  You can watch TV all you want but I like to do stuff.  If I have to do stuff alone well, then I'll be alone.  Get it?

Please remember there are words you can NEVER take back.  Not that I am not a forgiving person because I am.  I think most of my friends would agree I give WAY too many allowances and chances.  Saying things out of anger just to hurt me.....will not "get me back in line".  And although I do tend to give lots of chances....when I am done, I am done.  Sorry. 

Is this a list of all I am "looking" for in a man?  Heck no.  These are just a few of the things I think are important.  I, just like everyone else have things that I do like and don't like.  I am not going to give you all my secrets. Just know this.  I am a very kind and sweet person.  I will be wildly nice to you.  If you respect me I will treat you like a king.  That doesn't mean it is okay to treat me with little value.  If you don't value me...I am gone.  It may take me a while to do it because I want to see the good in people but trust me.  I will be out.  Does that make me "dramatic"?  Sure.  Say what you want but I don't like drama.  Being honest and laying it all out there....well, often times it does invite drama.  I don't run away - I face my demons head on.  That tends to create a little drama.  Whatever!?

Thank you for your time.  Oh- how I look forward to meeting you!

XOXO- dovey

Tennessee.....

That is where I am.  Tennessee.  I am on a little trip.  Basically I am delivering my kids to my parents house because they are going to be staying with them for a week or so.  The babysitter is going out of town.  So here we are.  The kids had a lot of fun yesterday just playing outside and running around.  They were tired at the end of the day.  My parents have big wheels for them to ride.  It is funny because I have been staying in the apartment (my dog isn't allowed in the house).  The kids will ride the big wheels from the apartment to the house!  I had a big wheel when I was a kid.  I rode that thing until it wore a hole in the plastic tire!  Near the apartment there are so many grasshoppers.  I swear it is like a plague or something.  So the kids decided to catch grasshoppers to use for when we go fishing!  They did that for like an hour yesterday.  Avery just watched.  She isn't into bugs but Elise and Jude picked them up with no problem. 

 I took a little drive to Oneida yesterday.  It is the biggest town near my parents.  LOL.  It isn't big at all.  There is this little shop where the lady sells stuff from the HSN.  She buys the stuff in bulk and then sells it.  She is a hoot of a lady.  She is always wearing something with bling on it.  She told me GAWDY is her middle name.  I staying in the store for over an hour and looked at every single pair of shoes and clothing items she had.  I bought 3 pair of shoes.  I call it shoe therapy.  I plan to buy a few more.  I don't splurge very often and at these prices.....gesh.  How can I resist?  I didn't buy any clothes.  I tried on this really cute skirt but it was a tad bit too tight so I passed.  Speaking of which....it was probably tight because yesterday I went on a serious carb binge.  I ate more carbs in one day than I swear I have eaten in the last month:  potato salad, pretzels, a hot dog with the BUN, stuffing, cornbread....  Today no carbs.  Wish me luck on that one!!!

Spring is FINALLY Here!!!!

I feel so much better when it is warm out and I don't have to wear socks!!!  Today I turned off the heat...because it hasn't run in a couple of days I am sure of it.  Everything is turning green.  The lilacs and dogwood are blooming.  I love this time of year.  It feels really good after the rainy month of April.  Earlier I had posted that I wasn't going to have a garden but I really don't think I can resist.  I spent a good amount of time this weekend weeding my flower beds and whew.....they really needed it.  I actually have  a lot more to do.  I am going to try to talk someone into tilling the garden for me.  I have a tiller but I don't think I can handle it.  I am not very good at these "man jobs".  Seriously....you should have seen me trying to start the weed eater this evening.  I am sure it was PURE entertainment for the neighbors.  It took me longer to get it started than the amount of time I actually used it because I somehow broke off the plastic stringy things that cut down the weeds and that ended my weed eating adventure.  So, the tilling will be left for someone else.  I asked Jake to do it but he told me I'd have to wait until the weekend - when it is supposed to be raining.  YUCK. 

Speaking of Jake....I got a little feedback from some people who read the previous posts and my facebook posts.  People think I am talking in code. I am not.  I just don't know how much is appropriate.  And I am not sure what to say.  We had a bad year (or so).  Lots of crap happened.  Lots of crap happened over the years.  Yes we went to counseling.  Briefly 4 years ago and briefly in the fall.  We were officially divorced last Tuesday.  Yes it was sad.  No I didn't have a party.  I did go get a pedicure.  Mostly because I wanted to hide for a couple hours before I faced the "are you okays".  For the most part it has been pretty peaceful....the not so peaceful times have been down right book worthy.  I am not kidding.  JenF is always saying, "that could be the first line of your book."  Jake still sees the kids everyday.  He drinks my coffee and sometimes eats at my house.  It is all pretty normal?!  Isn't that weird. 

I loved being married.  I am HORRIBLE at dating.  I liked being a wife and having the caregiver role.  I do not like pumping gas or mowing the yard.  I do not feel liberated or empowered.  Do I think I will get married again?  I don't know.  That is too much for me to think about.  I have a lot of healing to do.  Spiritually.....do I think God is mad?  No.  Hurt?  Yes.  Will he forgive us?  Yes.  Can he heal us?  Yes.  Will he bless our children?  I pray for them every single day. 

Am I still talking in code?  Well of course.  There is more but that is all you get for today.  We'll save that pink elephant for later!!!!  lol.

I Keep Sitting Down To Write.....

....I want to tell you all sorts of things.  But I won't.  I have a smorgasbord of emotions ranging from shame to pure unadulterated thrill.  I am starting not to feel guilty about that.  It is a process.  I'll probably need years of therapy and lots of prayer (and Grace)! 

I've been working A LOT.  Most of you probably know I got a second job back in the fall.  I was bitter about it but now I am feel so blessed to have not one but two jobs - that I love.  I feel like I have a renewed energy for my career and for what the future holds for me.  I am going to go back to school.  I'll be getting my Masters in Social Work.  I'd like to go to the University of Tennessee.  As you can imagine that is complicated.  For now I am working too much.  But when I know the kids are going to be with JM I work as much as I can. Staying busy is a good thing.  And it has eased the financial burden some.  I was able to purchase a SUV....a Honda Pilot.  I really like it.  The van was really seeing some rough days.  It wasn't safe to drive anymore.  Ford acknowledged that but I was going to have to pay for a rental car to get them to check mine out.  The last time they wanted to check something out I had a rental for 5 months.  Either way.....I made my first payment last week - before they actually sent me my first bill.  That was cool.  It is not easy on gas though.  I needed something big enough for my family so that is a sacrifice I guess. 

The first two weeks in Cuyahoga Falls is "extra trash week".  If you don't live in the suburbs you probably don't understand.  In the suburbs we are told what type of containers to put our trash in and the amount we are allowed to throw away.  Except twice a year for a two week period of time you can throw away as much crap as you want to without paying extra.  I have never really taken advantage of it because....well let's be honest....I keep lots of stuff.  But I am downsizing....decluttering....donating....selling.  I can't have a garage sale.  I have been planning one for 2 years now.  I am not kidding.  You can't walk through my garage.  I have an entire craft room of crafts I haven't used in THREE years.  I am getting rid of stuff.  Extra trash week is gonna be exciting for me.  (Didn't I mention THRILL?) 

One last random thing.  This will probably shock you.  I don't think I am going to have a garden this year.  I simply don't have the time.  I already have a super SUPER busy summer planned.  I can't do a garden by myself.  I guess if someone was interested in a mini "garden co-op" I'd consider it.  I have the garden and a tiller.  I do however have lots and lots of flower beds that need much attention.  If it ever stops raining I will get right on those. 

A Little More Explanation...

So, I've talked to several people about my new blog.  A couple of you said something along the lines of this: "you do know people still know who you are?!"  Ha.  Of course I do.  I posted my blog on Facebook and I have 500+ friends on there.  I don't care about people looking at my blog.  I just wanted to avoid people googling my name and getting here.  That way if I client looks me up they don't get all my info.  Make sense?  It is a boundary.  I always look them up on various websites.  I am sure a few have looked me up. Once I was speaking to a detective on the telephone....trying to get the scoop on a case I was involved with.  While we were talking he apparently decided to look ME up in his system.  He said, "Whoa, what made you give up your lead foot in 2002?"  I used to speed.  Kinda a lot.  In my defense - I had a mustang, I had to drive fast.  Seriously.  I was a little embarrassed and taken off guard.  I said....well, in 2002 I had my first child AND I got a minivan!  He laughed. 

On another note - I think most everyone knows that stuff going on in my life.  I mean...I understand people talk.  I haven't really talked about it publicly for several reasons.  1.  It is horribly embarrassing to me.  2.  Maybe I really didn't think this was going to happen.  3.  It ruins my happy go lucky everything is so great image (HA).  4.  When I talk about it, well intentioned people ask questions and try to say helpful things that really turn out to be not so helpful.   5.  It hurts.   6.  We all know there is a fine line of what is appropriate and what is not.  I've crossed the line a few times back in the day.  I am trying to keep it cool here.  7.  I don't want to bad mouth JM.....he still is the father of my children.

So, that is that.  I probably won't talk about it again.

New Beginnings....

I've let my other blog go.  I wanted to go back but I couldn't make it work.  I miss writing.  I miss sharing.  I miss your input.  I've changed a few things this time around....  I am not including my full name in hopes of avoiding mixing business with pleasure.  So, I picked the name Dovey.  It is actaully the name of my Grandmother's sister.  I think it is a cool name and I have a dove tattoo so....Dovey it is. 

Life has changed.  It has been a very long winter.  I am looking forward to spring.  I've been hiding in my little world - trying to keep warm (physically, emotionally & spiritually).  "The Miller Way" doesn't really apply anymore.  I am uncomfortable even writing those words.  Admitting our failures and shortcomings is the first step....right?  Well, the new blog title is  "Beautiful Mess".  That is life.  My life.  Your life.  Life in general.  A Beautiful Mess.