A Spiritual Crisis...(originally written in January - oh and it is unfinished...sorry)

My weekend did not turn out as planned.  At all.  Things I was so excited about.....never happened.  Things I didn't expect did.  But that isn't what this post is about.  Saturday night I was driving home from my Aunt Debbie's house and listening to XM radio.  I was scanning channels and stopped on The Message, a Christian station.  That is where I heard the Jamie Grace song I posted on Facebook.  I've heard it before but when I heard it again it just reminded me how much I really like it.  The next song that came on was this one...

You don't really have to listen to it but  in case you wanted to I thought I'd post it.  It isn't as catchy as the Facebook post song....but it is a sweet song.  I'm gonna come back to this in a minute.

Since I've been to Tennessee I have been to church 4 times. I went once when I went back to Ohio.  I visited a large Baptist church in a neighboring community.  You have to wear dresses there.  I don't think they appreciated my exposed tattoo and cleavage showing.  Would've probably been better off wearing pants.  Maybe they didn't care what I was wearing - I don't know.  But no one talked to me.  No. One.  They did ask my kids a bunch of questions though.  I tell myself I am not bitter.  Then I went to another church a couple of times.  I liked it.  People were friendly.  Very friendly.  They don't have music on Sunday morning.  I know that is a lame excuse not to go back....and I might go back there someday.  I just haven't.  I'm gonna come back to this in a minute too....

I've been in Tennessee for four months now.  My Aunt asked me if I'd do it all over again - you know....move here, knowing what I know now.  I said yes.  Oh trust me.  There are times I have thought, what have I done.  There are times I thought about just packing up and moving back to Ohio.  Just not that seriously.  My job has taken some adjusting....  It is pretty lonely here but I will admit I have isolated myself in many ways.  These four months for me have been very healing for me.  I didn't say EASY.  But they have been healing.  There were a lot of things I did not deal with.  Emotions: anger, hurt, shame, defeat, relief.  I don't want to be bitter.  I don't want to be afraid to trust someone again.  Once while going through "pre-divorce" counseling (that of course isn't what it is called but that is what it ended up being) the pastor predicted I would go through a spiritual crisis.  I have.  I don't deny it.  I don't think I could hide it if I wanted to.  When I heard that song (Blessings) it sounded like me....

  We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise