I feel so much better when it is warm out and I don't have to wear socks!!! Today I turned off the heat...because it hasn't run in a couple of days I am sure of it. Everything is turning green. The lilacs and dogwood are blooming. I love this time of year. It feels really good after the rainy month of April. Earlier I had posted that I wasn't going to have a garden but I really don't think I can resist. I spent a good amount of time this weekend weeding my flower beds and whew.....they really needed it. I actually have a lot more to do. I am going to try to talk someone into tilling the garden for me. I have a tiller but I don't think I can handle it. I am not very good at these "man jobs". Seriously....you should have seen me trying to start the weed eater this evening. I am sure it was PURE entertainment for the neighbors. It took me longer to get it started than the amount of time I actually used it because I somehow broke off the plastic stringy things that cut down the weeds and that ended my weed eating adventure. So, the tilling will be left for someone else. I asked Jake to do it but he told me I'd have to wait until the weekend - when it is supposed to be raining. YUCK.
Speaking of Jake....I got a little feedback from some people who read the previous posts and my facebook posts. People think I am talking in code. I am not. I just don't know how much is appropriate. And I am not sure what to say. We had a bad year (or so). Lots of crap happened. Lots of crap happened over the years. Yes we went to counseling. Briefly 4 years ago and briefly in the fall. We were officially divorced last Tuesday. Yes it was sad. No I didn't have a party. I did go get a pedicure. Mostly because I wanted to hide for a couple hours before I faced the "are you okays". For the most part it has been pretty peaceful....the not so peaceful times have been down right book worthy. I am not kidding. JenF is always saying, "that could be the first line of your book." Jake still sees the kids everyday. He drinks my coffee and sometimes eats at my house. It is all pretty normal?! Isn't that weird.
I loved being married. I am HORRIBLE at dating. I liked being a wife and having the caregiver role. I do not like pumping gas or mowing the yard. I do not feel liberated or empowered. Do I think I will get married again? I don't know. That is too much for me to think about. I have a lot of healing to do. Spiritually.....do I think God is mad? No. Hurt? Yes. Will he forgive us? Yes. Can he heal us? Yes. Will he bless our children? I pray for them every single day.
Am I still talking in code? Well of course. There is more but that is all you get for today. We'll save that pink elephant for later!!!! lol.
